Struggles of Faith

Roughly a year and a half ago, I had a major nervous breakdown.  It took six months for me to recover enough for me to actually be able to return to work.  The whole experience was full of mistakes in Healthcare, inability on my part to distinguish what was real, and a severe lack of Faith.

Why did this happen to me?  I can remember screaming this on the back porch where I live, curled in the fetal position. I cursed God for everything that had happened.  All the triggers that brought this on.

For example:

  • Lost my father to cancer
  • Lost my mom
  • Lost my marriage
  • Lost my job
  • Lost my house
  • Lost my dogs
  • Lost fifty percent of the time with my daughter
  • Had a novel fail

There’s more but that’s enough to get the gist of where I was mentally.


I blamed God for things the things that happened.  Everything that I listed above was man made.  Even the illnesses I was diagnosed with and the medications I have to take now, I believe, are a result of man made circumstances.  If you are in your 40’s think about all the chemicals and stuff that we’ve been exposed too during our life time, whether it be from food or cleaning supplied or weed killers.  The list goes on and on.

This isn’t God’s fault.  It’s man.  We did this to ourselves, so why should I blame God or even expect him to intervene in that situation?

If anything it’s a blessing because I’ve finally started looking at myself as a Christian.  I read about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I’m trying to find a church to fit my needs.  I read clean fiction (typically Christian based).  I listen to and support RadioU (our local Christian contemporary radio station).

But yet I still struggle.  Forty-three years of sin is a lot to turn around.  Slowly but surely it’s happening but things pop up.  December 28th was the seven year anniversary of my Father’s death and I went on a rager.  I wanted nothing to do with God because I felt abandoned.  This thinking led to other thoughts of Why and How Could He Do This.

Wrong thinking.  Man did this to ourselves, not God.  He is there for us during our weakest to make His love the strongest:

2 Corinthians 12:9

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

These were Jesus’ words in response to a prayer by Paul.  It’s not the most popular line because it doesn’t show strength, the opposite of weakness but is saying that at our weakest moments His love for us is the strongest.

Understand that weakness isn’t just about being weak though.  As many phrases/words in the Bible are metaphors, so is weakness.  It can mean that people are mocking your faith making you look/feel weak.  It can also mean hard times in general.  It’s about when we feel at our weakest because of something that is happening to us.

Think about it, when tough times hit so do darker thoughts.  Those are the times where we need to turn to Jesus’ embrace to feel his everlasting Love.  We should always walk as Christians and always pray to Him, but it’s those dark times where his power can work through us the most.

Have a Great New Years weekend and please be safe,

A Dad



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